Suffragettes Champion Labor Cause

SHAWNEETOWN,   Eyebrows were raised and other eyes clinched shut as Mrs.Petulia Malletgrinder climbed onto the wheelhouse platform of her husbands LadySurrey wagon. Crowds had been assured that this was only a publicity stunt for the ladies own Ladies Can Do Anything bake sale and sewing exposition.
In the end though the crowds were flabbergasted as the two lady driving team was able to manipulate the wagon an incredible 1/4 fur low.

"This has been some kind of manifestation or trickery" our own Mayor Standish Elixsor was quoted as saying. It was proven with its inception that the feminine drive train of the Surrey will not respond to the command of a woman. Woman lack the bone structure necessary to strike the pullers sufficiently for motivation. 

Nightmares Eliminated by Top Psychologist

Nightmares have seemingly been eradicated by the nations top psycological professionals based on an experiment approved by the board of Psychiactric Professionals. 

The twelve year old control subject, Klaus Mumblepuntz was quoted as saying "I will never, ever, ever, close my eyes or put down this rifle again.

CBS Celebrates Fall Lineup

     The promise of added revenue has led the CEO of CBS to celebrate jubilantly over the line up of programming planned for the fall.
      It took a case of Makers Mark and a gang bang, but I've secured the contract for the Foster Brooks Cavalcade of Stars. Gleason is in the back office toilet trying to talk to Neil Armstrong through the toilet. And Jim Backus just rear ended my secretary. Literally.

      "Booze man, just press the button marked booze. Right Mr. Magoo?
   

Library Rejects Koontz Novel

San Simean public Library has rejected the latest Dean Koontz novel. In a violent upheaval that cleared the entire second floor of the historic building, novels were spewed up into the gated porcelan garden.

Spoon Introduced To Show Me State

The advent of a new technology has breeched the mississippi river. Residents of Missouri are gathering near and far for demonstrations of the new culinary wonder "the spoon." Traditonally known in many cultures for ion, the utensil brightened the day of school boys who were given a demonstration of it's usefullness. "Hand to Mouth?" Not any more thank you.

Graduates Remain Unsure

Following graduation ceremonies at Crystal Lake Seminary, young men remained quiet and solitude. Prefering to remain unspoken on the subject of initiation rites that had taken place the previous weekend. The Hollier Than Thou Brotherhood stands behind the sanctifying methods past down through generations. "Some things definitely happened, but to tell you the truth, it all still seems a little hazey" one young fellowship member was quoted as saying. "I guess if it was for God, then it was alright, but I still feel kind of funny about it."

Last Passenger Pidgeon Found; Ate

As of now the world has been relieved of the burden of the truly fowl winged Passenger Pidgeon. The amassed millions of these bird are believed to have stripped tree stands for millenia until modern means of eradication took effect. Now the birds that defined the midwest will no longer burden mankind with their food stock. Here a young man gazes upon the last specimen.