Bayer To Advertise New Pain Relief: Heroin!

It's super shiek its loads of fun, Ive lost this weight with softer gums. Oh those lovely beauties know how to stir up fun. And look at them dance. With the newest sensation "Advertising". Thats right, lovely girls coming to you at your local stage. The newest rendition of the business marketing labelled "commercials." These young ladies are touting the newest line of swell products by the Bayer Co. of New York City.

Concert Goers Casualties Of Jazz!

What was suppose to be a frolicking night of twisty dancing and HotsyTotsy Jazz by Fred Zepplin and the Derrigables turned into a hoarific scene of burning carnage and melting skin as concert goers fled the scene in all directions. At their first attempt at Pirotechnics, a form of choreography taken from Japanese Kubuki Theatre, Stage director Pup Cumpbum is quoted as saying that there had been some mix up with the japanese to chinese to english translation for the production piece. "It was only supposed to be 12 inches, not
1200 feet. But it was so inexpensive."

"Help me, please I need medical attention, please put down the microphone and help me to the, uggghhh. " another concert goer was quoted as saying as they make there way past our radio broadcast stand.
Horrific and disgusting, just, the smell, disgusting.

Express Service Now Available For Mail Order Brides

Import agents are touting the new age rocket delivery of mail order brides to be the wave of the future. Stunning beauties from exotic locals such as Faquoa and Jaibutiey are being delivered to the doorsteps of gentlemen courters of the world at lightning speed.

"We've gone through six and a half million so far and nearly five percent of them has survived the delivery process" said logistics manager Hergo Thatthat. "We're running short on supply. but the production manager has promised me that would be a temporary problem.

Matrimony Products are the main export of the eastern block country of dBloqka, UR.

Missing Family Consumes Man.

Nearly two months after the disappearance of his family in remote appalachia, despondent husband and father Earlie Doodle has been recloose in reaction to his loss. In a rare interview, the unemployed Mr. Doodle stated that his family had up and left while he was a huntin. "She was a terrible cook and them kids just wouldn't shut up, but I loved her. (Expletive.) Speck they'll pop out [up] eventually.

Huegendevor Prepares For Doctorate Thesis.

I was running a Peachong game (it's an old world game involving dice, eggs, and prostitution) in the alley of the chinese section of Mariupol when I was again snatched by the nap. A theme that now seems destine to be reoccurring in my adventures. This time it was a Chinese slave trader who shackled me to a small manchurian lad and tossed us into a barlap Sack and stuffed us into a barrel. Bukpung and I would be held that way intermittently for a few weeks which was most unpleasant for his pension for chain smoking. All that smoke in the burlap sack was making for an intolerable interurption in my reading. And I had committed to the continuation of my education at age eight month. At 1 yr and one month I was on schedule for testing out of university in another two months. But calculating the pitch of the ocean, wind speed, and angle of the sun, I imagined that University of Moscow was now going to be plan B.

1ST Attempt At Conceptual Art a Bust!

Pepe LeCasso may want to reconsider his fledgling attempt at his new found art form. As the magnatude of his first attempt may have been too great for the visualization of the participants themselves. Everyone wassa suppose to go offa da pier and swima back to the shore and gather arounda da Egga pavilion. Itsa suppose to be a tribute to the pilgrimage of Easter. Now itsa all ruined witha the people all over the place. Hoa Bouy!

My Beginnings; The Life And Times Of Portense Huegendevor

I was born in Mariupol under the steps of a fishhouse brothel. A large Jackal carried my limp carcass from those steps to what should have been a quick and painless death. But the fates had visited that jackal I suppose and I was suckeled by the beast that I would grow to call mamulya. But I soon out grew the den and once upright I knew my destiny lay many horizons away. I said a belabored farewell to my mammochka then quickly snapped the other cubs necks and fastened them into a smart looking three piece fur suit with the wide lapells that were fashionable in the day. Mamulya looked at me confused, but I think proud.

Dilemma Resolved.

I tell you that I don't know constable. My husband went out to inspect his steed at the castle livery. When he didn't return within a week. I mailed you a letter which I must have mislabeled but I see you received it eventually. Sir, yes he's been gone for six months. Why yes, that is a new garden. The roses are particularly beautiful.

First Cell Phone Bill Diliemma.

Dear god woman, can this be a mistake? What have you done? This is preposterous and you shall be thrashed soundly if this cannot be resolved. 600 text messages! Who in the devil could possibly even own a cell phone besides other royalty. And they can't read or write. What, were you sitting on it in your hoop skirt.

My god woman, sit up, your going to break that chair.

Play By Play of Yesteryears Game.

It was the summer of ought 1 in the principality of Mustard Teeth Manitoba. The league was still without foundation and no playoffs were scheduled. But this was no regular season as we were all jockeying for positions and living off the bounty of our robber barron owner Preston Snavely.

We lived in the oppulent surroundings of the club cars on our team locamotive "The Golden Swine." Except for our new pitch Big Chief Black Cloud who we'd made build a nest of wire in the under carriage. Thick red velvet curtains divided the cars into seperate spaces which did little to conceal the noise of a dying hooker or a hog being butchered. But we made due and thought it was all quite grand.

The game against the local team the Crutch Huggers had on this day escalated into an all out blood bath. Two deaths and an error in the third inning had givin the Crutch Huggers a 37 to 37 tie. On this, the fourth and final inning, we had had to replace the chief with someone less likely to wonder off the mound every time someone caught the suns reflection on a polished piece of metal. Grover (the one hit wonder) Washington Jr. had done the trick with his famous broken glass ball. And now we had them where we wanted.

Rusty Balls our second shortstop had singled on a six and four count spoonball. With five outs I had driven him to fourth base. One out left and Balls set to score. their middle catcher Red Schnitzel hit a soft flopper just short of the shortcenter fielders grasp as Balls crossed the plate. The play was now at second base and the game was mine to win. The throw to the bag was low and as we came together I thrust my ice pick up into his rib cage as his lung let out a hiss more like a whistle than an air brake. I noticed that he still firmly grasp the ball so I came overhand with four powerful thrust of the shive into his neck, severing the great artery and sending blood pumping into the air like a beautiful red wine fountain. Boston Slave Traders Win! Boston Slave Traders Win.

Portense Huegendevor Tells All!

Many rumors have been circulated about my life. They are for the most part understated. In the following series I will cronicle these events and others in an attempt to validate my existance. Stay tuned for the recount of my fledgling early years as a concubine of the industrial age and my attempts at freeing myself from the binds of an age of repression.

My New Medicine Brings Back Memories.

This new miracle drug what ever the fuck it's called is a hoot, Som bitch. Let's get outta here before it wears off. Wheel me down to the curb and we'll get a cab. Alright here we go. There's a cab let's get in. Driver take us to the titty bars. I don't care. The nearest one. You go to the ATM get me some cash. I'm going to spend it all before those little bastards bury me. Here we go. Just wheel me down front. I'll take a gin. A what? I said a gin, a fuckin gin. Yeah a gin and gin. Come here sweety, you look like my grand daughter. Wheres my money, oh here we go. Heres some money get lost. Go get your self a lap dance. hold on you hussie. let me stand this thing up. I smell like what? Mint and sandlewood. Sweety thats noxema and urine. Wheres my valet Georgie? Arrested? He bit off her what? Nipple? Oh no my blood sugars dropping. I feel sick. I'm going down. fuck.

Dad Blamed Yankees.

Dem dad blamed yankees dern near blowed my head oft. I adn't seen no fightin. Hadn't seen nothin but the back of the head of this danged ole smelly mississippi feller. Weed been leadin dem old mules pert near a week upin that ole coal shoot of a road come from Jackson when I got ta feelin the effects of that possum we found an eet the night before. So I headed oft up that there crick bank to take some relief.

I'd just topped er when i came upon dees fellars whatn all dressed in those yankee blues. Well I guess I kind of spooked em when I popped up like that. Kinda spooked me too, cus I let go of that turd like isa hot coal. One of them boys musta been loaded fer action cause he drawed down on me like quick and sent a big ole piece a shot right pass my head.

Well I just frozed, passed out cold from fear. But luckly that ole soft bank gived way sent me a tumblin. I woke up at the bottom of that bank a sittin straight up lookin at a turd what was lodged in my boot. That big ole smelly fella from Panther Burn musta seen what uz a goin on and hoisted me up and across that ole mule and we scadatteled.

That feller got oft one more shot at us as we's a ridin away. I tell you what, dem danged ole yankees dern near blowed my head oft.

On Into The Future!

The following stories were transcribed to me mostly verbatim from the participents or their decendants. No artistic license was applied or necessary. The characters are brilliant, bold, and fearless.
Please do not attempt to recreate any of these scenarios as they mostly contain lots of people. And unless you can muster about a hundred friends your going to seriously compromise the integrity of the original text. And if you try to condense the story in any realistic setting you'll probably be out in your yard looking like a dork and scaring the neighbors kids. And funding, don't forget funding. A whole production of any quality is going to escalate into thousands of dollars pretty quickly. And before it's over there will be strangers tracking up the kitchen floor and eating the good cheese. But if you insist, go ahead. I'm just trying to tell you it's not a good idea. Just give me time to get new batteries for my camcorder and don't forget I told you so.
Please enjoy these stories in moderation. It helps if your nearly blind drunk.