New Olympic Event Technically Not a Sport

Event coordinators and press officials gather at the shore side for a chance to see millionaire Rexabald Humbdinger poll his way to victory in this first ever event extrodinaire. "Bulping" or "coddle dipping," as it's more commonly referred to in it's native Hamptons, has swept the hearts of the nation. As these lovable blue bloods practice in earnest to secure their bid for the next sport introduced into the upcoming olympics, officials have thus far refused to comment on this event which they have labeled an official "event" until it can be determined that stealing human children from northeastern slave labor camps and dragging them down steep slopes behind horses then "hauling" them under water for nearly a quarter mile before throwing them off a steep embankment is all together legal. No doubt there is a degree of athleticism envolved, but judging something that is so reliant on the "Bulper" or "coddle" would be difficult. It would be as if they were actually participating.

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Prince of Princes: BukPung Leads Nation

As we were being unloaded from the hull I was suprised by the ornate design of the knife piercing our burlap studio sack. With lightning speed the blade sliced open the wall and BukPung and myself were spilled onto the plush lavender silk piled carpet featuring the ensignia of the small nations royal family. Unfortunatley, so did the fifty eight pounds of urine, fecal matter, and spent cigarette residue, along with the stiffning corpses of our eight traveling concubines. They had served us well on the journey but now only added to the awkwardness of our situation as our appointed royal envoy explained to BukPung that he had been stolen at birth and bannished from his home land until the recent political revolution had created a demand for the return to their cultural heritage.

A huge plan had been concieved to bring him home but the eastern block nations had gotten wind of the plan and had demanded huge ransoms the country could not afford. Instead the nations honor guard had been dispatched to retrieve the young prince.

Confused, the young prince and myself freed from our shackles ducked out of the crowd and across the street to one of the wharf wattering holes to process all the information we had just been inundated with.

Junior High Graduation Party Utter Disappointment

Little Sally Crunkel had high asperations for her May 8th grade graduation. Those plans were destroyed along with her hopes of young romance. "Shattered into a thousand sharp edge shards of public disgrace and humiliation by that rabid, sharp tongued, pig of a boy, Bobby Clark."

Not five minutes after the last guest arrived Sally was crushed to see Mr. Clark leading Penny Wilkensteen to the basement corner that had been cleared except for the table and record machine.

"What's the point in going on? Just take my Barbies." Mrs. Crunkel was quoted as saying. "Somebody get me a virginia slim out of my mom's purse.

Plushie Acquited In Case Involving Castration

Indonesian manufactored plushie "MutiePutie" was acquitted wednesday in a court ruling that "sufficient elements" were present to define the act as self defense.

After weeks of unspeakable acts, the matted fetish parafanalia devised what he believed to be his only option in self survival, said Mr. MutiePutie's lawyer Harold Equivalantcile ESQ. Fashioning a piece of string into a noose he was easely able to fulfill his devised plot during one of the violent acts being perpetrated against him.

Mr. Mutieputie is resolved now to his fate even if that means being tossed into the trash and annexed into one of the foreign nations landfills. He does have aspirations of maybe spending time on some childs dresser or shelf said Equivalantcile. But given his demized condition and sorted past, he doesn't believe any self respecting parent would allow that to happen.

Chinese Antidefamation Leader Speaks Out In Protest

Chinese-American antidefamation leader Ching-Chang lambasted community leaders across the U.S. for not recognizing and speaking up against stereotypes propagating negative images in business.

Chinese Americans have helped advance interests in industrial sewing, laundry care, fireworks and in the fast food industry.

We're not all basketball playing racecar drivers as the media portrays us.

I've been doin stuff

I could go on, telling you about the stuff I do but really it's none of you business. Why exactly do you want to know what it is I do? You been following me or something.