Suffragettes Champion Labor Cause

SHAWNEETOWN,   Eyebrows were raised and other eyes clinched shut as Mrs.Petulia Malletgrinder climbed onto the wheelhouse platform of her husbands LadySurrey wagon. Crowds had been assured that this was only a publicity stunt for the ladies own Ladies Can Do Anything bake sale and sewing exposition.
In the end though the crowds were flabbergasted as the two lady driving team was able to manipulate the wagon an incredible 1/4 fur low.

"This has been some kind of manifestation or trickery" our own Mayor Standish Elixsor was quoted as saying. It was proven with its inception that the feminine drive train of the Surrey will not respond to the command of a woman. Woman lack the bone structure necessary to strike the pullers sufficiently for motivation. 

Nightmares Eliminated by Top Psychologist

Nightmares have seemingly been eradicated by the nations top psycological professionals based on an experiment approved by the board of Psychiactric Professionals. 

The twelve year old control subject, Klaus Mumblepuntz was quoted as saying "I will never, ever, ever, close my eyes or put down this rifle again.

CBS Celebrates Fall Lineup

     The promise of added revenue has led the CEO of CBS to celebrate jubilantly over the line up of programming planned for the fall.
      It took a case of Makers Mark and a gang bang, but I've secured the contract for the Foster Brooks Cavalcade of Stars. Gleason is in the back office toilet trying to talk to Neil Armstrong through the toilet. And Jim Backus just rear ended my secretary. Literally.

      "Booze man, just press the button marked booze. Right Mr. Magoo?
   

Library Rejects Koontz Novel

San Simean public Library has rejected the latest Dean Koontz novel. In a violent upheaval that cleared the entire second floor of the historic building, novels were spewed up into the gated porcelan garden.

Spoon Introduced To Show Me State

The advent of a new technology has breeched the mississippi river. Residents of Missouri are gathering near and far for demonstrations of the new culinary wonder "the spoon." Traditonally known in many cultures for ion, the utensil brightened the day of school boys who were given a demonstration of it's usefullness. "Hand to Mouth?" Not any more thank you.

Graduates Remain Unsure

Following graduation ceremonies at Crystal Lake Seminary, young men remained quiet and solitude. Prefering to remain unspoken on the subject of initiation rites that had taken place the previous weekend. The Hollier Than Thou Brotherhood stands behind the sanctifying methods past down through generations. "Some things definitely happened, but to tell you the truth, it all still seems a little hazey" one young fellowship member was quoted as saying. "I guess if it was for God, then it was alright, but I still feel kind of funny about it."

Last Passenger Pidgeon Found; Ate

As of now the world has been relieved of the burden of the truly fowl winged Passenger Pidgeon. The amassed millions of these bird are believed to have stripped tree stands for millenia until modern means of eradication took effect. Now the birds that defined the midwest will no longer burden mankind with their food stock. Here a young man gazes upon the last specimen.

Miller Bros. Brainstorm For Logo Design

The Miller brothers are working deligently trying to come up with a logo for their famous bathtub brew. Stymied by the proposition of going nation wide the rush is on. "What or we gonna do, I dunno, I gotta, hey slide over I gotta, hey hold on there, what the, I gotta go, whoops, I think I just." "I got nuthin.... Nuuuthin!"

Victorian Secret Catalogue Debuts

The fashionable Victorian Secret womens line of clothing is announcing it's winter line in a new fashion. Ladys apparel will now be featured in a new hard bound catalogue featuring models pictures in the latest fashion coterie. Orders are being taken via postage coach and telegraph wirings from across the land. But what of the men folk that may come across such a magazine wonders suffragget syrens.

New Olympic Event Technically Not a Sport

Event coordinators and press officials gather at the shore side for a chance to see millionaire Rexabald Humbdinger poll his way to victory in this first ever event extrodinaire. "Bulping" or "coddle dipping," as it's more commonly referred to in it's native Hamptons, has swept the hearts of the nation. As these lovable blue bloods practice in earnest to secure their bid for the next sport introduced into the upcoming olympics, officials have thus far refused to comment on this event which they have labeled an official "event" until it can be determined that stealing human children from northeastern slave labor camps and dragging them down steep slopes behind horses then "hauling" them under water for nearly a quarter mile before throwing them off a steep embankment is all together legal. No doubt there is a degree of athleticism envolved, but judging something that is so reliant on the "Bulper" or "coddle" would be difficult. It would be as if they were actually participating.

Ed OppEd Page To Preview

Prince of Princes: BukPung Leads Nation

As we were being unloaded from the hull I was suprised by the ornate design of the knife piercing our burlap studio sack. With lightning speed the blade sliced open the wall and BukPung and myself were spilled onto the plush lavender silk piled carpet featuring the ensignia of the small nations royal family. Unfortunatley, so did the fifty eight pounds of urine, fecal matter, and spent cigarette residue, along with the stiffning corpses of our eight traveling concubines. They had served us well on the journey but now only added to the awkwardness of our situation as our appointed royal envoy explained to BukPung that he had been stolen at birth and bannished from his home land until the recent political revolution had created a demand for the return to their cultural heritage.

A huge plan had been concieved to bring him home but the eastern block nations had gotten wind of the plan and had demanded huge ransoms the country could not afford. Instead the nations honor guard had been dispatched to retrieve the young prince.

Confused, the young prince and myself freed from our shackles ducked out of the crowd and across the street to one of the wharf wattering holes to process all the information we had just been inundated with.

Junior High Graduation Party Utter Disappointment

Little Sally Crunkel had high asperations for her May 8th grade graduation. Those plans were destroyed along with her hopes of young romance. "Shattered into a thousand sharp edge shards of public disgrace and humiliation by that rabid, sharp tongued, pig of a boy, Bobby Clark."

Not five minutes after the last guest arrived Sally was crushed to see Mr. Clark leading Penny Wilkensteen to the basement corner that had been cleared except for the table and record machine.

"What's the point in going on? Just take my Barbies." Mrs. Crunkel was quoted as saying. "Somebody get me a virginia slim out of my mom's purse.

Plushie Acquited In Case Involving Castration

Indonesian manufactored plushie "MutiePutie" was acquitted wednesday in a court ruling that "sufficient elements" were present to define the act as self defense.

After weeks of unspeakable acts, the matted fetish parafanalia devised what he believed to be his only option in self survival, said Mr. MutiePutie's lawyer Harold Equivalantcile ESQ. Fashioning a piece of string into a noose he was easely able to fulfill his devised plot during one of the violent acts being perpetrated against him.

Mr. Mutieputie is resolved now to his fate even if that means being tossed into the trash and annexed into one of the foreign nations landfills. He does have aspirations of maybe spending time on some childs dresser or shelf said Equivalantcile. But given his demized condition and sorted past, he doesn't believe any self respecting parent would allow that to happen.

Chinese Antidefamation Leader Speaks Out In Protest

Chinese-American antidefamation leader Ching-Chang lambasted community leaders across the U.S. for not recognizing and speaking up against stereotypes propagating negative images in business.

Chinese Americans have helped advance interests in industrial sewing, laundry care, fireworks and in the fast food industry.

We're not all basketball playing racecar drivers as the media portrays us.

I've been doin stuff

I could go on, telling you about the stuff I do but really it's none of you business. Why exactly do you want to know what it is I do? You been following me or something.

Integrity of Oceanographic Findings Questioned.

Recent findings by the scientific study group based at the north pole maybe compromised. Expedition leader Phineas Bottomouted was litterally "called out" on the floor of the Adventurers Endeavor Societys Annual Discloser Meeting and Fish Fry.

Several hours and nearly three half barrels into the meeting a lively discussion broke out on the ability of underwater photographic equipment. When one of the adventurers refuted claims by Professor Bottomouted regarding his ability to photograph his fabled meetings with Drucilla the queen of the mermaids.

"It's been along time since we had a Ruckus on the floor." said Gabby Gounder the clubs founder and discoverer of the largest sink hole in the Bahamas BananaVilla subdivision. "Were thinking of staging them in a garbage can lid and broom stick fight. Everybody go into the backyard. Hurry up."

Intense Business Ventures Painfully Negotiated.

I say I say Jaspur, I say Jaspur, Do you see that there bridge, see that there bridge there Jaspur?

Ya's I see that there bridge, that there bridge, that's the one, the one, that there bridge, I say, I say, I see that there bridge. A why do you ask me if I see that there Bridge?

Well it has come to pass, come to pass, that that there bridge, you see the one that there bridge, it has come to pass that it may be, just may be that that there bridge is one of my vast vast holdings. I said vast holdings.

On Thin Ice

The drowning of the North Manitoba Clubbers hockey team sent shockwaves through the quiet community of Mudslinger Flats. The new home of the local hockey club, the Tidewaters.

The newest of the expanding Nationalist Hockeyclub Hockeyplayer Amalgomation and BocceBall Union may be suffering from the strain of growth in their southern expansion league division. And lack of organization, which did nothing to console the now wet and frostbitten fans that were forced to recover most of the bodies.

The visiting team had gone into their warming hut when what sounded like an internal argument and fight ensued. Not knowing the strangers to their community and not wanting to be accused of eves dropping on a team meeting that might involve strategies, the locals and officials respectfully left the clubbers to their privacy. They had quieted down and ultimately were fifteen minutes late for the second period when we made the discovery."

"Around here you don't interrupt what may be a team prayer" said the official Merl Tukkas. It's just direspectful. And we don't claim to know all of the customs and rituals of the game at this point. It's usually played a little farther north than here so we figured we'd just kind of observe and pick it up as we went along."

"So far so good. That's a win, right?"

Author Accepting Any Forms Of Life To Participate.

You, fellow pedestrian, yes you, should feel obligated, Naa priviledged, at this juncture to participate by sending me a letter, a telegraph, a phone call or a smoke signal to reassure me that my public still breathes.

Oh for god sake, somebody comment on something. At this point I'm paying Preston Snavely III five dollars a night to hand out bills and notices on bourbon street. Is there a mirror site I don't know about?